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After the many mistakes I made in my attempt to apprehend a certain Canadian Mountie and Chicago cop, I knew I had to make some major revisions of my plans and still maintain some originality. After all, I had an example to set for all you junior villains. Of course, that left the most obvious option, kidnapping one member to draw the others out, um, out. After tinkering around with my new super! duper! death ray for a bit, I hit upon the obvious solution. The grandpappy once removed of all diabolical plans! The bestest, greatest, most wonderful plan my oversized brain had ever come up with! I addressed a letter to the A-Team, care of Amy Allen. But inside! Inside was a personal favorite of mine, the Compacti 2232(tm), collapsible robot. The A-Team would be mine, and Murdock's little dog, too!
Part 1 1/2: Good Help is SO hard to find these days!
If you want a job done right, do it yourself. If you want it done so you won't get caught, send someone else. I had Bruno and Adrian, my favorite henchmen, out doing surveillance. I watched on my crime-o-meter Amy Allen opened the envelope and out sprang my Compacti! The whole office tried to catch the nimble little robot, to no avail! Miles away in my lair, I cackled loudly to myself as a hidden compartment on the clever little machine opened, letting loose a cloud of gas. Soon, the whole place was giggling, laughing, chortling, chuckling, and falling down unconscious. I just love laughing gas, don't you?
As the dark haired woman reporter dropped down unconscious, the high powered telescopic camera was at an angle that I could read the note that she held in her hand, one that I already knew by heart. In it, I graciously requested that the A-Team come to my lair, unarmed, and surrender themselves to me. Or I'd unleash a hoard of my robots, outfitted with death rays. Pretty clever, if I do say so myself.
Part 2: Always Follow the Super Villain Handbook!
Chapter 1 of the Super Villain Handbook states: "And each super villain is required to have a lair, and that lair is to be so equipped that none of those oogy gross 'good guys' shall be able to find their way in." And boy, do I have a lair! Set atop Mount Evil, my fortress is equipped with secret passages, booby traps, laser eyed gargoyles, false floor tiles, and my personal favorite, a big throne that faces out down my mountain. All in all it's a pretty picturesque site, all gray and gloomy. I love it!
And from my throne, I could see a distinctive blank van winding it's way up to my little love nest- er, castle. As the van drew up to the gates, I ordered, via a speaker system (quaint, I know) for them to climb out. They did and I laughed a small, maniacal laugh! Soon, they would be mine! All mine!
"Stop!" I yelled as the came up to the front steps. They did, Face and BA looking nervous, Hannibal smoking one of his ever present cigars (I was going to have to get him a nicotine patch) and Murdock staring off into space. Ah, Murdock...
/No/ I told myself, not out loud of course, /this is not the time to get distracted!/
"So, we're here, now what?" Smith asked, looking up into the camera above the door.
"You really want to know?" I draw out.
"He wouldn't a asked if he didn't, foo'!" Baracas scowled. Of course I had to tell them, how could I resist that pout? And, besides, it's in Ze Handbook Extraordinaire! A long speech before I have them in my greedy clutches is required (Chapt. 23, amendment 8).
"Well," I start, "you're going to help me take over the world!"
Part 3: A Good Last Speech is Important!
"You see," I continue, "I need someone(s) good. Someone I can trust not to do anything stupid while I have my photon ray of death pointed at your friends and family members. I think you four are those people."
"You better not hurt my momma!" He of the Lotsa Gold swore, stepping foreword. I gave an evil grin, not that they could see.
"Of course not! I don't want to hurt anyone! This is going to be a nonviolent revolution with only fear that any moment I'm going to blow us the planet that is our home! It'll be over in no time."
"What if we refuse?" Face asked bluntly. I sighed loudly.
"Well, I'll give you a few days to think about it before any of us do anything drastic, okay? And remember, it's not the fall that hurts, it's the stop at the end."
"Wha-" And then the floor dropped out and they were falling.
Part 4: Subtle Persuasion Doesn't Mean Threat of Bodily Harm. Try Blackmail.
I bounced down the stairs to the main floor of my lair, chanting 'i've got the a-team, i've got the a-team', well, rather loudly. Everyone paid no attention, because when you can have someone killed they tend to be tolerant of your peculiarities.
"Bruno! Adrian! Cladio! Jules! Steve and Bob! Come here!" I screamed when I reached the foyer. The identical sextuplets came running. "Are they in the basement? Huh huh huh?"
"Yes, ma'am." Bruno/Adrian/Cladio/Jules/Steve/Bob said gravely. I have no clue which one.
"Well, let's go!"
"Down in the basement, I had one of the really big guys open the heavy metal door to the padded room the a-team fell. There they were, the team of my dreams, searching the room for a way out. "This is the only way out or in, besides the ceiling." I told them loudly and the whirled around.
"Who are you?" The Faceman asked me.
"You might know me as SuperVillain1." I answered. They looked disbelieving. "Oh, come on, guys! The evil villain industry went co-ed back in the fifties! Men, geesh!"
"What happened to SuperVillain2?" Murdock asked.
"It's a long and odd story. However, #3 in converting a volcano in the pacific into comfortable living quarters. Have you made up your minds, yet?"
"We'll do it." Hannibal said, chomping down on his cigar. Did I mention that I need to get that man to quit smoking?
Part 5: Never Trust Your Enemies With Your Guns
Okay, so it was an idiotic thing to do. Something so simple leading to my (temporary) downfall. But I had deadly rays pointed at their friend and family, right? What were they going to do. I'll tell you. As soon as I let them out of their comfortable cell, they run over and H.M. grabs my new mini laser gun. I knew I shouldn't have left it out.
"D'oh!" I screamed, then, "um, don't kill me?"
"Oh, we're not going to kill you." Smith grinned, as they walked over to stand by Murdock."
"You don't understand," I continued, hopefully, "I was scarred for life. I never had a birthday party! And once my parents left me on accedent at one of their friend's house."
And as the police grab me and start to drag me out of my home sweet home, I sob, "and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you darn A-Team!"
Part 6: Being Crazy Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry
And that's how I got here, ladies and gentlemen, in room 224 of the VA hospital. Oh, not for long, though. #5's about to break me out. <eg> Do have Murdock tell the A-Team 'see ya' for me? And tell them... "I'll be back!"
Mwahahahahahahah!!!
The End
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