his is a spoof of The Grinch That Stole Christmas, by the wonderful, talented, Dr. Suess.  I mean no disrespect by doing it, I love Dr. Suess and his books.

Rated:  G, Of course!

Disclaimer:  The Sentinel and the Guide are not mine.  The Grinch That Stole Christmas is not mine.  I just love them both.  Please don't sue, all you'll get is a picture of poor, poor, Elvis the Dog, about six bucks, and four notebooks filled with partially written stories.


How the Sentinel Stole Christmas

by ShrinkingViolet


Everybody
Down in Cascade
Liked Christmas a lot...

But one grumpy Sentinel,
Who lived in Cascade,
Did NOT!

The Sentinel hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that the impacted wax came back.
It could be, perhaps, that his dials were too high.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or the dials,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating everybody,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, grumpy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew everyone down in Cascade beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his sensitive fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Cascade girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the people,  young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on the pudding, and rare roast-beast
Which was something the Sentinel couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Everyone down in Cascade, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Sentinel thought of the Cascade-Christmas-Sing
The more the Sentinel thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why it's been most of  forty years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE SENTINEL
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Sentinel Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Sentinely trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Sentinel looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Sentinel...?
No! The Sentinel simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he walked to his poor old truck. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of its roof.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up that poor, poor old truck.

Then the Sentinel said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the people
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the people were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Sentinely Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Sentinel.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Sentinel, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the whole feast!
He took the pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Sentinel even took their last can of hash!

The he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Sentinel, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Sentinel grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small kid!
Little Blair Sandburg, who was not mor than thirty.

The Sentinel had been caught by his own little Guide
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
He stared at the Sentinel and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Sentinel was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little Chief," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my little Guppy.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the Guide. Then he patted his head
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Blair Sandburg went to bed with his cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food
The he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other people’s houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For all the other mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the people, still a-bed
All the people, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to everybody!" he was sentinel-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the people down in Cascade will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Sentinel,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Sentinel put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Cascade!
The Sentinel popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Everybody down in Cascade, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Sentinel, with his sentinel-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Sentinel thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Cascade they say
That the Sentinel's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Sentinel carved the roast beast!


Blair laughed to himself as he scribbled the last few lines.  Across the desk, Jim looked curiously at him.

"What?"

Blair chuckled and shook his head.  "You don't want to know, Jim.  I’m just… getting into the holiday season."


You can find The Grinch that Stole Christmas online at http://www.daveonline.com/cool/grinch/, however, I highly recommend buying the book if you don't have it.